I miss lying on the couch. Fact. I miss lying on the couch doing nothing except watch meaningless TV for hours on end whilst eating a family size block of Fruit and Nut Dairy Milk chocolate. All. By. Myself. I miss lying on the couch mindlessly flicking through reality shows where women don’t realize they are pregnant until the baby pops out into the toilet and crazy animal lovers share their beds with 800 feral cats watching on ambivalently as their partner walks out of the feral home disgusted by feline excreta IN the microwave. I miss watching this reality rubbish until my eyes become blurry and sleepy and when I open them its 2 hours later and a man is practically buried in his kitchen surrounded by piles of newspapers he’s collected over 20 years because he’s a hoarder and can’t bear to throw anything away.
I miss having no other agenda other than what my brain told me which was, “Don’t bother getting up darlin’ you’re too bloody comfortable”. I miss lying on the couch having absolutely nothing to do and absolutely nowhere to go. But most of all friends, I MISS SLEEPING IN!!! Oh god the thrill of the words SLEEP-IN as they pass my lips is enough to bring forth images of huge duck feather doona’s and fluffy pillows on a deliciously comfy bed that I just want to throw myself onto and…..Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I miss waking up in the morning after 6.30am and having the luxury of lying in bed until LUNCHTIME if I felt lazy, just reading my book and hearing the sounds of….ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!
Okay. You get it. I’m tired. I haven’t had a sleep-in since 2009. Exhausted would probably be a better description. In fact, what IS it called when your eyes are so tired they involuntarily close mid-conversation with another person and you find yourself saying, “Sorry, I just can’t do this anymore” and they reply, “Do what? Talk?” But of course you don’t answer because you’re too bloody tired! It’s madness. And just for the record, I get up at 3.50am on weekdays. And weekends…there are NO SLEEP INS!!!!
I don’t know about you but I’m a big fan of the blame game. If something goes wrong someone must be at fault. This whole ‘collective blame’ or, ‘let’s take one for the team’ is rubbish. In my humble opinion it’s a dog eat dog world and if you don’t look after number one no-one else will. So my lack of sleep leading to feelings of homicidal exhaustion must have a causal root. And I’m prepared to name and shame the reason for my inability to converse with workmates in a cohesive manner post 12pm due to sheer exhaustion.
The perpetrator of this heinous crime of sleep deprivation against me is 3 years old and her name is Isabella Fernandez. Otherwise known as the saboteur of sleep, the evil empress of exhaustion. She is the child who no longer has an afternoon nap and, like a reverse vampire she is attracted to the first light of day, bounding around at 6am like a new puppy screeching, ‘Play with me! Play with me!’ If this demon of daylight were a puppy I’d be calling the pound and asking for a refund. Too harsh? Well I’m crazy with a lack of sleep I tell you! How I am functioning on a daily basis is beyond me. I regularly put the milk in the cupboard. Just last week I washed our clothes with bleach. And I fed the dog amazing spaghetti bolognaise thinking it was his dinner so we had to eat Deb mashed potato and fried sausages instead of pasta. And I blame Bella the sleep stealer!! If you are nodding your head in agreement then I thank you for your understanding because you obviously have children and understand what it’s like to spend years dreaming of the, SLEEP-IN. It’s tough.
All I can say is stay strong. It will happen. In 16 years time when I am probably too tired to sleep-in I’m sure I’ll get one and not know what to do with it. But to those of you who haven’t yet had children I offer you some advice for things you MUST do while child free.
1) Do NOT get out of bed on a weekend unless you are forcibly asked to do so by persons in authority. These do NOT include partners, siblings, grandparents, friends or neighbours who’s houses are being robbed.
2) Purchase black-out curtains and NEVER set your weekend alarm on a weekend. It’s not life or death if you sleep though a day. iT’s bloody marvelous.
3) Get a Foxtel subscription and watch it. All day. While prone on the couch. Do nothing else for 24 hours.
4) Get a job that starts at 10am.
5) If you have to be a work before 8am consider quitting finding a job like the one above.
6) If you are with someone who says, “I’m a morning person” break up with them immediately. Explain it’s for the best when you have kids.
You’ll thank me when you finally pop out a sleep-stealer. I promise you!
Thanks for reading!